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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27595832">and denying joy, repeat and write your story</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/nachtelang/pseuds/nachtelang'>nachtelang</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>VALORANT (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Survivor Guilt, Trauma, killjoy hides her survivor's guilt and cypher tells her he understands, please help them, sorry i wanted to hurt them</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 00:13:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,423</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27595832</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/nachtelang/pseuds/nachtelang</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The flashes of her previous life are all hazy, sundered in a blaze of red flames amongst the love she couldn’t say. All she could remember was being huddled in a blanket, in the arms of a man she didn’t know. The heat scorching her face from the place she had once called home could have burnt at the mere sight. The screams and pleas that came from inside. That last one had to have been her mother. Or her brother. Or her father.</p>
<p>Those screams had at least managed to scorch the memories of that day into her retinas.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cypher/Killjoy (VALORANT)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>and denying joy, repeat and write your story</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is my first work on ao3! angst because that's what i feel i'm best at writing LOL... these two are my otp and i promise i'll write something happy for them, but i wanted to write more on what i headcanon their backstories to be since riot has given us so little to work with when it comes to them. i hope you enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She’s always been afraid of fire. She had to grit her teeth to get along with someone like Phoenix, when he first joined the protocol.</p>
<p>The flashes of her previous life are all hazy, sundered in a blaze of red flames amongst the love she couldn’t say. All she could remember was being huddled in a blanket, in the arms of a man she didn’t know. The heat scorching her face from the place she had once called home could have burnt at the mere sight. The screams and pleas that came from inside. That last one had to have been her mother. Or her brother. Or her father.</p>
<p>Those screams had at least managed to scorch the memories of that day into her retinas.</p>
<p>If only she hadn’t pleaded with her mother to let her go out that day. Perhaps she could have died with them, and she wouldn’t be so alone. All she was able to do was watch, helplessly, struggling against arms holding her back but not moving at all. Voiceless, silent screams. Begging for someone, anyone to help them.</p>
<p>All she could do was watch as all she had known had loved and died in the blink of an eye.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>“... Killjoy. Killjoy, are you listening?”</p>
<p>A flash, the images of her future changed and distorted. She was sitting in the meeting room, Brimstone at the front, laying out the details for their next mission. Killjoy was forcefully pulled out of her thoughts, exhaling heavily as she nodded. She had already thought of everything. Why was she even attending this meeting?</p>
<p>“Right, yes, I’m here.” She sounded despondent, rubbing fingers to her temple. It wasn’t like her to zone out like that. Someone was about to mention that in three, two…</p>
<p>“Are you feeling alright? Looks like you were spacing out there.” The man sitting across from her asked, his voice hushed, scruffy beneath that mask of his. Cypher gave her a look as if he was furrowing his brow, an almost beady-eyed glance of concern. Like he was less worried, more <em>curious.</em> As if he was trying to read her thoughts.</p>
<p>A chuckle passed through her lips, passable to most in the room, but unremarkably fake to Cypher. Killjoy shook her head, tugging her beanie down a little further over her head.</p>
<p>“Sorry, I’m feeling a little light-headed. Might go see Sage, yah?” She could see Brimstone glance at her, worriedly, and she made a hand motion to assure him that she was alright. A smile to tell him she was doing just fine. A lie to keep him from worrying once more. “A little water would do me some good… Oh, relax, relax! I’ve already thought of <em>everything.</em>”</p>
<p>Excusing herself, she left the room somberly. She didn’t want to think about the way the other agents were probably looking at her. How weird they must have thought her to be, in that moment. But Killjoy didn’t care. Anything would have been better than having to be stuck in that baseless meeting room, with faces that acted as though they knew her when they didn’t. She hurriedly made her way to the kitchen and reached for a glass when a presence at the kitchen door made itself known to her.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Cypher was all too familiar with the pain of loss. A wound that wouldn’t heal, carved into flesh, he could recall too vividly the way his family was ripped from them.</p>
<p>For some, First Light simply ‘happened’. For Cypher, it came, tore him to shreds, and never left.</p>
<p><em>“Nora,”</em> he whispered to himself desperately, voice raspy and weak from the screaming he’d done only moments prior. “Where— Where are you… Where are— Nora, Nora, <em>please.</em> Please, please, <em>Nora!</em>”</p>
<p>The world around him shifted and distorted. His vision was blurred, but he couldn’t tell if it was because of the dust in his eyes or the tears welling through. He screamed until he had no voice left. He cried and begged and screamed until he was out of words.</p>
<p>“Please, <em>please.</em> Let’s just go home, <em>please. Nora.</em>” But where even <em>was</em> home? The place he once found so much solace in had been torn asunder before his very eyes. The only person he had ever truly loved, gone, ripped from his arms and taken from him.</p>
<p>Cypher was alone, his screams reaching no one but himself. His ears rang, his world turned upside down. Fate was cruel.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>“Seemed like you were in a bit of a rush back there,” Cypher crossed his arms, leaning against the doorframe. His eyes met with Killjoy’s and they stared at each other, neither of them daring to break the silence. What was Killjoy's next plan of action? Play it cool, act like nothing was wrong? Act like she wasn’t just reliving the most traumatic memories of her life back in that meeting room? Pretend as though she didn’t watch her whole family die miserably when she was young?</p>
<p>Instead, she chose to laugh. Don a mask once more, and act as though nothing was wrong. Just additional memories.</p>
<p>“Oh, Cypher! You scared me. How’d you get here so quickly? Did the meeting bore you too?” She barraged him with questions, trying to avoid having to explain herself. She knew Cypher could probably see right through her, but she opted to act as if nothing was wrong instead. He probably wouldn’t understand, anyways. Cypher was always so cool, sometimes unfazed, but other times a joker. Worst of all, however, he was a <em>brilliant</em> judge of character. Despite her futile attempts to keep up her act, she knew it was a lost cause from the beginning. Cypher could read her like a book.</p>
<p>“Brimstone can go on and on during those meetings, yah? He oughtta grab a coffee and relax, we’re good enough to win.”</p>
<p>Cypher stepped closer. Killjoy almost took a step back. Nearly let her guard down. She wouldn’t let him in, she couldn’t. Even if it was selfish of her to act out of such self-preservation. Killjoy was afraid of being understood.</p>
<p>“Cypher?” Now her voice was soft, silent, and an almost uncomfortable tension loomed in the air, almost uncomfortable to breathe in. He sighed and shook his head, reaching his arms out. She looked up at him, eyes wide, surprise written all over her face. “C.. Cypher?”</p>
<p>“You can stop hiding it. How you feel. I understand.” Cypher responded, softly, gently, as if his voice might cause her to flee again. “Your acting prowess does not match your prowess for technology, little engineer.”</p>
<p>He stood there, just like that, and waited. Killjoy’s brain felt like it was going to explode. What should she do now? Run away, continue to act as if nothing was wrong, accuse him of overreacting?</p>
<p>Her exhaustion was far past her, however, and she found herself almost tumbling into his embrace. Killjoy laid her head on his shoulder and let her shoulders drop, tension escaping her as Cypher wrapped his arms around her. Her tears for the dead were so useless, and yet they poured down her face endlessly, threatening to overflow. She would have to apologize for staining Cypher’s clothes with her tears. She hid her face from him, not wanting anyone else to see her like this. Cypher rubbed her back as he helped her sit, the two of them now on the floor, the empty room echoing of sobs.</p>
<p>Weakly, she wraps his arms back around him, face pressed against Cypher’s shoulder. They sat there like that for god knows how long, thankful no one had come searching for them.</p>
<p>They held each other, and it’s quiet. The silence is both comfortable and yet it’s layered on so painfully thick you could cut it with a knife. After a few minutes of nothing it was, at last, broken by a soft voice. A sad girl’s plea for answers. Hesitantly, Killjoy asks Cypher,</p>
<p>“Does it ever get any easier to live, knowing all you could do was watch as your loved ones died right in front of you, knowing that you were the only one that survived?”</p>
<p>She finally pulled her face away from his shoulder, swollen, red eyes staring deep into Cypher’s, as if she was searching for something, anything. Wiping her tears away, Cypher laughs; it’s a forced, pained laugh, not like when he’s telling a joke on the battlefield, and Killjoy can tell he’s trying to act stronger than he really is for her sake. Cypher shakes his head.</p>
<p>“No. It never does.”</p>
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